I have been openly gay all of my life. You will always hear me say i have never ben in the closet. As a kid i was allowed to run the streets rampant being who I was and expressing myself as how i felt.
How i felt was a girl. That was how i saw myself. I was extremely feminine, twitch and all. Looking at me It was very obvious I was a gay kid, it didn’t take long. Now let us be clear that I was that kid in the 80’s. When being gay was not welcomed, when it was asking for an instant ass whooping, when it was a guarantee that there was going to be bullying attached to it every single day. I can’t say that my childhood was easy. It wasn’t but i survived.
In my upbringing there are certain things I noticed that until, this day occurs and though at the time i ignored it, I no longer do now. It happens when I meet guys. it happens when i am hanging out with my friends and they introduce me to other guys in passing, it happens when i am in an area when people are meeting each other. I will go to extend my hand with a handshake as we are being introduced and they will shake my hand but squeeze it real hard. they do this as a way of saying “I am straight!” or let me flex my strength just in case they think of coming on to me they know that i am stronger than them. When they do this it not only annoys me but makes me feel uncomfortable. Many times they would do this and I would just ignore it, me silently knowing that not only no one saw it but that the guy or guys in the group that we are chilling with are homophobic. it would end up with me being uncomfortable and whichever guys did it would make it their business to avoid any type of interaction with me for the rest of the night.
Now when I meet men and am greeted with his type of behavior i squeeze their hand just as hard. I make it a habit to look at them right in their face to make sure that they know that i know they are homophobic. i also am not the first one to take my hand away. I no longer become all submissive and uncomfortable. My head is held high and depending how i feel you might get a smile. I do this to get my power back and usually they feel uncomfortable. It is no longer my job to provide them with a safe space. It is not my job to care for their fragile ego or under threat because of my presence, because I am comfortable with who I am. that is no longer the narrative.
I am experienced enough in this gay life i have walked in that the majority of men that act that way have had a gay thought in their mind and seeing me conjures up those feelings that they have yet to come to terms with. I am a reminder to them that i exist and that i am not submissive to their presence. I am a whole threat to cis-gender men because i am comfortable with myself. Plus if you really want to know many men when they see me automatically think of me in a sexual way and the fact that it ran through their mind messes with them. They don’t necessarily have to be gay but the fact that i am an openly gay man and they see it, for a very brief second that mental picture crosses their mind. that disturbs them and have no idea why it should.
I mean like I said earlier I have always been gay so not only is it funny to me but does it ever occur that when I see straight people that image doesn’t run through my mind. Doesn’t it run through their mind that even though they may be aesthetically appealing it doesn’t man I want them. I have spent way too much of my life trying to make life easy and comfortable for them while they insisted on making mine a living hell. i have been way too nice with making myself small just for the sake of them to feel bigger. I look at it this way- if you need to flex that way you pretty much are not the alpha male you think you are.
With that being said hello fellas, mother is here and I am not going away and not apologizing for your fragile egos ever again!!!!