I’m sitting here and just thinking of the gay experience. Being gay at the times I was young till now. Yes things have changed but not by much. I am an entertainer, a performer in all mediums of art, a facilitator for workshops. I try my hardest to make a safe space for everyone. All the while I am fully aware that in doing this I am breaking many misconceptions of what people think about when they see and hear that I’m gay.
I’m honest with myself and very transparent when I say that at no time in my life, since young till now that I was able to hide my gayness. I was extremely flamboyant as a child. There was no direction or example for me to follow growing up. For me being gay meant I wanted to be a girl and I wanted everything that was attached to that narrative. Well all the good stuff- boyfriend, husband, home and children. In a nutshell I wanted to be loved, to be accepted, to live a normal life that every straight person had. Little did I know that that was going to be far from the truth I was to live. There’s no narrative supporting this. All that the world knew was that what I was was demented, deviant, mentally sick. There was never a day from friends to family that did not remind me how sick it was. Television depicted me as either a murderer or something to laugh at. In turn that was what I saw as well and didn’t strive for anything better. I was defeated before I even knew what the war was.
This story didn’t get better for me till I really started taking this talent I have to a serious level. When I decided to attach a voice to myself, a voice that came with a story, a voice that had a lot to say was when the signs all loaded to myself. That I would have to find a place within myself that was willing to peek away at every thing that was told me, that had to take everything I experienced and put it away, not let it East away at me into my belief system. It still didn’t mean that I was going to have a hard time. Hatred of who I was still existed and it came in a more sinister way. It showed itself with how people treated me.
Until present moment I still bump into people, especially men mind you, that don’t feel I’m worthy of the money I ask for. I bump into ones that don’t take me serious enough though I have the credentials. They sit to do business with me and I can tell that me being openly gay is a huge factor to how they expect me to not only act but settle for. I see how me being gay isn’t enough to make me one of the boys!
I am no stranger to fighting. I am no stranger to being looked down upon just because them being straight makes them feel that they are stronger, that they have the upper hand. They couldn’t be more farther from the truth.
I always say- when dealing with people stay open to their experience. It always adds to the unique factor. I have pulled myself from so many things. Some at my own hands because I didn’t know better. Some because I had no sense of who I was fully. Some was from people that were able to take advantage of this situation. No matter what it was I pulled, scratched, fought, held on and at times went in with eyes closed out of fear, but I moved forward.
Not as I get ready to embark on a whole different level I am fully aware that my peers those in the business won’t encourage. I am sure when I reach out they will look at me like I have 2 heads and each one is painted differently. I’m ready for this. I am the underdog all the time. I will rise. I am sure with scars but I will be here because if you don’t believe in yourself then no one is.