Which Gay Am I


I always say I was never in the closet. I say this because growing up my mother never stopped me from being me. Saying this I knew as a kid there was something different about me. I was very feminine. I walked with a little shake, I spoke with a lisp and my hand gestures were animated and exaggerated. People always made comments at how feminine I was or they would ask me if I am gay. I didn’t like the way I felt the way it sounded when they asked me that question. I remember people asking my mother if I was gay or whispering in her ear as if I couldn’t hear them, and tell her that I might turn out gay. I can’t say mommy welcomed it all with smiles. Sometimes it would piss her off and she would tell me to leave where we were at so I couldn’t hear what they were walking about. I’ve heard so many people tell my mother that if she was stricter with me I would’ve never came out gay. Well let me tell you, listen and listen well, you will be what you are from birth. Gay isn’t a style or a fad. You don’t wake up one day and say- today I want to be gay like if you are deciding what shirt to wear or what color socks go with your outfit. For some we realize this when we are young. Then there are those who know but don’t come to terms with it till they are much older. You feel what you feel and that’s what it is.

When my adolescent years rolled in I wanted to be a girl. I thought since I like boys I have to be a girl. That’s what I naturally gravitated towards. My best friends were girls. I knew that I liked to play with the girls. I wasn’t into climbing trees or playing with dirt. I was more into reading books or anything that I can get my hands on to write. The way I gravitated towards girls to play with was the same way I gravitated towards boys when it came to being attracted to them. This was something that I did naturally and no one was responsible for it. I enjoyed looking and admiring the boys. I had amorous feeling towards them since I can remember. There was something about them that I liked whether it was their hairy legs or their muscular tone. I would just stay and watch them play and move. I do remember I was the only one that was this way on the block. I didn’t share this out loud because I knew deep within me that it was different. I knew that to voice that would get me a good beating from my mother. Maybe it was that I was still trying to make sense of it all. When the girls spoke of the boys I just kept quiet while silently in my mind I agreed or disagreed when they spoke about certain boys on the block.

I also realized that a lot of the guys would just say hello to me and they would go their own way. The ones that did speak to me would speak to me quietly when no one was around or within hearing distance and it was always the same subject. It was either sexual undertones or just flirtatious in a very aggressive manner. There was no way I couldn’t know what they were talking about and it always ended with don’t tell no one, that this conversation was our secret. Of course I didn’t say a thing because it was usually the guys that I liked looking at that would talk to me on the low. I also noticed that most of the guys had girlfriends or wives but at my age I didn’t question that at all. For men I was always the dirty little secret. They said they loved me but not to say nothing about our feelings. I was a fetish, a desire, a thing that they liked in the dark. They had normal lives to live and with me being so out loud and proud was something a lot of them couldn’t handle. I use to tell them that they couldn’t handle the fame.

No one explained to me at this young age what I was and what I was heading for. I knew that I felt like a girl and I would say it. I knew that I like long hair and pretty things. I know that I wanted to kiss boys. I knew that when I grew up I wanted a husband and to take care of my home as he worked. That it would be my pleasure to cook for him.  I knew this as natural as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west.  At no point at all was this weird to me or strange.  This is what I felt as long as I can remember. Little did I know that I would take on the angsts and the tribulations woman get when loving unavailable men. The women around me were strong but they came from the old school-you die with who you’re married to. No matter what type of situation came up you put your best face forward and dealt with it. You saw it through. You try to work it out and that’s it.  You didn’t leave your man.

Then my club days came and I changed how I perceived myself as a gay man. I let go of the tights and the girly clothes and grabbed those baggy jeans and XL shirts and ran with that. It felt empowering. People looked at me differently. This is when not only men but woman were also looking at me. This I had to get accustomed to. Though I love woman and everything about them. The way they move, the way the act, how they get themselves together, sexually woman just don’t do it for me. Not at all! Again I had to reinvent myself and find out who I was not. Knowing that being gay was something I had to put on the table. This part of my life I had to dissect. Up until this time I thought being gay was everything I was. I didn’t know that in finding myself i would get lost within myself. That medicating the feelings from others opinions of me was killing me slowly. That I was supposed to be embarressed and ashamed of being gay. That finding love was impossible because all that gay people did was filthy and dirty. That I was an abomination of GOD. That i was better off being quiet and not seen.

Then the big epiphany came in my life. I was faced with decisions that had to save my life. I entered recovery and I no longer could hid behind anger and bitterness. I had to re-educate myself and understand that I did not have continue accepting heartache and betrayal as part of gay love. I didn’t have to accept this just for the fact of not being lonely, because we all know that the lonely’s can make a person always choose 2nd best. I decided to be celibate for a year. It was recommended and at this point in time I took the suggestion. This is when I learned that I don’t like all men. That I actually have a specific taste and that there were certain ways I liked men. That my sex wasn’t always submissive. That being a bottom was great but I also enjoyed being a top. I still believed men should be men and boys should be boys and girls should be girls but that business is only in the bedroom. It took me a long time to admit that I was a man at the end of the day. That being gay is really a small part of who I am. It just lets people know what I like to do when the lights go out in the bedroom. I was a lot more than just gay. I was a latin man with goals and aspirations. That I had strengths beyond what I gave myself credit for. That feeling certain aspects of my life as a woman let me know certain things but adding the strength of a man would make me unique in what I put on the table with anything I chose to do.

I love me now. Being gay has never been better. These young kids that I see now screaming I am gay at 12 even younger as 10 is amazing. It’s good to know that I am as my predecessors were for me, part of the story that allows these youngins the liberty to scream this out and not get beat up or stoned or jumped or ostracized. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen but not as much. its a whole lot more acceptable now then it was then. Believe you me back in the days that was a given and those who were loud about it like me knew we had a rough road ahead from jump start. We had to be swift with the hands. We had to learn quickly and accept that not everyone will accept us but that we don’t have to allow them to hurt us either. That as a gay man you have choices as to what you deal with and not.

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