When I tell you that I went through many phases fashion wise would be an understatement. Part of this finding was getting in touch with who I was as a gay man. I thought that being a gay man meant being a woman. I was emulating all that they are. As I got older I found out that it isn’t so. Part of it is that I took on society’s meaning of what a gay man is supposed to be. I grew up with the notion from my peers not my parents that gay men are woman. That all gay men are weak. That all gay men are feminine. The only men that I saw that weren’t feminine were straight and did things with us in the dark and in high secrecy. They never associated or identified themselves as gay. I carried that with me for a very long time. I went around wearing girly clothes and my behavior was loud and brash. It was a huge defense mechanism. It wasn’t till I went away that I started to know more of who I am. My likes and dislikes changed.

In finding myself I realized so many things about myself that I had no idea. It was like introducing myself to a whole brand new me. I realized I like being a man. This was something I learned now I didn’t realize then. When I was young I didn’t like being a man. I didn’t like to acknowledge that I had man parts. I now love the strength I come with as a man. The way my body is shaped and how the good genes I inherited are wonderful to me. In coming to this realization I found out I have certain taste in men. Just because I am gay does not mean I like every man that walks this earth. Just like straight people I also have a choice in what I bed. Now this part of the journey was also a process for me but it was much easier with the information I had with me. It made the playing field a bit more better as opposed to just walking around lost and dazed from each experience. it made it easier finding someone to love as opposed to someone to have.

In finding myself and learning myself there are 2 things that are very girly that I sincerely love about me. It’s perfumes and purses. Lord I have a horrible thing for perfumes. I don’t like the woodsy masculine scents on me. I love it on men but on me it just doesn’t do it for me. I prefer the sweet flowery scents. Love the way it makes me feel when I put it on. It’s like the last step to make the outfit complete it’s the coup de grace if I may say. Now I have tried some colognes but it just doesn’t make me feel beautiful. My mother always told me- a scent can make a man see you fully in his mind. It is like a calling card. I stood with that for a long time as she told me this bit of advice when I was in my teens, and as always she was right. A perfume and how your PH from your body changes it is only yours. No one else can replicate it. I’ve worn perfumes and been asked what it is and when I say it people stay shocked cause it doesn’t smell feminine enough for them to believe it it’s a woman perfume.

Then there are purses. These fabulous gadgets that help carry our lives in hopes of simplicity is something I cannot stop from wanting. I thank GOD that I don’t go on my impulses and buy every perfume but I have enough bags. Now I know I don’t speak for myself when I say that there is an art in picking the right bag. I only use them to carry necessities or when I’m gigging so the small little ones are not for me. I like my totes. I like the bag that says there is more to me than just what you see. Leather or not studded or not I can’t get enough bags in my life. At one point I gave away a lot of them because as I get older I use them less. I’ve actually maintained the count to a handful but I still can’t help but try one and sling it over my shoulder when I see it in a store. I pose in the mirror and place myself in these fabulous scenarios as I walk with this bag in the store. I do place it back but it’s with a face of sadness that I do.

I honestly don’t think that if I didn’t do the proper wok on myself in being comfortable in my skin I’d be OK with this essay let alone admitting I like bags. I have no problem walking with one and still remain to be a man about myself. It doesn’t take away from my manhood and it definitely doesn’t define me. It does define a mood I am in the moment and with that I am OK.

One comment

  1. Nancy Arroyo Ruffin · October 24, 2014

    Chulisi, I loved reading this! “Then there are purses. These fabulous gadgets that help carry our lives in hopes of simplicity is something I cannot stop from wanting.”<- I feel the same way 🙂


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