I’m sitting down and writing this and I’m overwhelmed by so many emotions. They show themselves in tears. These tears empty me into understanding. I fully understand I am a vessel being filled with what is needed to get me through the next part or level. Don’t know exactly what it is but it feels right. I have learned in my life that when I analyze I benefit.

I look back and take myself to the beginning. The child. The little boy that wanted to be loved and accepted by everyone because before puberty I knew I was different. I knew that I was built in a way that would make me see life in a different light. Then to understand in my older age that for the most part I was taken advantage of. I was being sexed like a toy to many adults that just took and never had any intentions of putting back. That there was a reason why regardless what I endured I stilled laughed and loved freely. That these traumas would pave the way at how I looked at love for many years of my life. It would affect me to my core and leave me dead in the inside for many years. That these building blocks were eroded and that my foundation would fall. All these things happening to me before I even entered puberty. Before I even was able to understand feelings I was forced to feel because these men dumped on me and kept it moving, always with a threat to my life if I dare even mention what had transpired.

Then the teens came in and I was starting to find out who I was. It became second nature to me that others would want to hurt me some more. I took all that! I didn’t allow it to murder me inside even though the drugs were doing it slowly. Stifling that anger I still pressed forward and wasn’t scared to dream. I wasn’t scared to express. I found a group of people that literally loved me for me. Though it wasn’t sexual it was like family. These friends, who are still in my life by the way, kept me afloat. We laughed and danced and sang our problems away.

I must also say that my family has always loved me. They never once made me feel like a freak of nature or a monster. My blood family has taken me and stood close by. They nurtured me even if from the distance. Drugs came in and the thin line of having fun and killing myself was parallel. I fell deep into despair and drowned myself with each hit of the crack pipe. Numbed myself with each spoon I put in my nose. I killed aspiration and goals when the heroin came in. I was in a constant slumber because it was easier to sleep away life than to live it.

I figured that at this point no one can hurt me. I couldn’t feel what was being done mentally and physically. I was hurting myself a whole lot more and on complete different levels that no one could. I became isolated and surrounded myself with those that didn’t like to feel life let alone live. We just talked of the next one or of the day that never came to pass.

Submission and surrender came when I spoke to God, cause through all of this I never once blamed or hated God for what I was in and what I had been through. I just didn’t. I didn’t try to break down as to why but I knew deep within me that it wasn’t GODS fault. This memory is so clear and so significant that I know this is one memory that even if I grow old and senile it will be something I can speak of very clearly.

Embarking on writing my memoir and personal essays it has opened up many things. It has made me relive some great moments as well as bad moments. Some of those moments were hidden so deep, protected till I was old enough not be drowned or left helpless or eaten alive by them. sometimes I read back what I wrote and I just have to laugh. There is one thing that is evident- I have a story to tell. I have something to say and there are those that need to hear it. They need to know that life doesn’t have to kill you. There is always a silver lining y cada persona tiene su tiempo para reir.

One comment

  1. Blackhorn33 · October 25, 2014

    They never did.


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