BROKEN DOLLS

I loved my young years. For a long time I ran around oblivious not really thinking of the things I did. In one hand I was a typical teenager. I went to school and graduated a feat that no one thought I would accomplish being that I was already on a rambunctious path. By the time I graduated High School my brokenness was already showing. To me I was just acting normal but to the outside world I was a broken doll trying to piece itself together through facades of laughter and parties. I was never a malicious kid. Regardless what road my life went in I still saw life through rose colored glasses. Like I wasn’t the poplar person that made others feel uncomfortable. I had gone through that for years and never wanted others to feel that way. I was teased a lot as kid and I never became a bully. I remember the way the older boys on the block would tease me. How I was always the last person picked when they were choosing sides to get a game of stickball on. After my mother forced me to fight which was my first time ever fighting lesson I was constantly fighting.  It was at that young age that I was already starting a path of becoming irreparable. I was hoping that my fists would prevent me  from breaking but with every punch I threw, every fight I had, every time I defended myself it just solidified what I at that young age already knew- I would have to do this for the rest of my life.

Growing up as a kid I had gone through physical abuse and sexual abuse and I just didn’t like the way I felt after so I didn’t want others to feel that way. I didn’t walk around always depressed or sad as so I thought. The years of adulthood would prove that I was in so much pain that it became part of my make-up. It became part of who I was. This pain was saturating every cell and started to become a very normal feeling of my life. I sit back and truly say that maybe my comedy and smile was a defense mechanism. This natural funny bone I have was always with me. It allowed me to see things differently. It allowed me to see beauty in things otherwise would be ugly. I also think that being involved into church and the arts was a way to keep my mind from going crazy. Those things only helped for a bit till I was hitting that hard concrete with a sense of finding identity and a place in this world.

I WAS NOT EASY! No not at all. My emptiness was immeasurable. The many crazy nights I wandered the streets just sitting on a stoop smoking cigarettes trying to make sense of it all. The lonely nights as I watched others walk by and in my mind replaying if I was walking in their shoes would my circumstances had been different. I remember when I couldn’t make sense of it all or the lonely’s were too much for me I would talk to strangers. Hoping that if I layed in those arms I would find myself. Only realizing after the fact that I spent more time giving away pieces of myself as opposed to gaining. Looking back I can’t recall feeling fear doing these things. I guess I was so empty that I was even numb from warnings.  I did realize that for someone that has had this much tragedy it amazes me how I can still smile.

When I entered recovery from my addictions to drugs it was recommended for me to search within. I was scared as all hell but I did what I had to because you will always catch me saying –one hard day of being clean can never be as bad as one day being on drugs.  In writing this I have 20 years clean and I have to say I earned each and every single one of those years. people say what a gift. I say bullshit! I worked hard, hurt hard, cried hard, walked hard and even at times ran hard to get these years. They definitely weren’t given to me because I was cute and pretty.

Do I still love and hurt absolutely!  Is it considered normal? Hell yeah!!! It amazes me how people suggest they know me or immediately have me pinned down. I move forward. I know my flaw is my perfection. I understand that without the flaws I won’t search for the right things necessary to take me where I need to be. These flaws make me go deeper to know myself.

I try to be as happy as possible and I mean genuine happiness. Not happy as in making a fashion purchase or with outside things. I mean happy as in things that nurture me.  Happy with things that will help me stay within my skin and not scared of being out my comfort zone.  It’s great to live in the moment but I always look a few steps ahead.  I now love the simplicity of it all. It is the little things that make it all matter for me. I just thank GOD that I am now able to speak about it. That I survived it all.

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