YOU WILL NO LONGER BEAT ME

As I sit and start watching the show “Empire” one of the storyline is of a gay son. During the show they go back in time and have scenes of the gay character Jamal as a kid no more than 4 years of age walking around in heels and twitching his ass. The father having his machismo on the line beats the shit out the child. There was one point where he placed him in the garbage can. No matter how many times the father wanted to beat his son the mother always came and defended him.
First I want to commend the writers for going there. Those scenes are so real and brought me back to my own childhood. Remembering when I was a little kid playing with dolls. Submerging myself in my own world where I was pretty and everyone loved me. Where I was a princess and nothing can harm me. I even had a prince ever so often in my play time.

It also reminded me of how the guys on the block especially the older ones would just hit me. They would taunt me till I cried. For many years it instilled fear in me. It instilled in me guilt and shame just on how people reacted towards me being gay. As a kid my mind said one thing and the things people said just didn’t match. I was so scared to just be myself because I wouldn’t want to catch the attention of some of the guys. I avoided confrontation at all costs. It was at this early age that I learned about survival. I had to fight literally. I remember adults looking at me and whispering to my mother that I was gay. Her giving me the side eye knowing that she was embarrassed of what people would tell her. Sometimes mom would scream at me to go away so that I wasn’t at hearing distant.

I can truly say that through all the different comments from outside people mommy never once stopped loving me. Mommy always told me she loved me no matter what. I know that she had to process it in her own time, at her own pace. She never made it a conversation as to getting into detail but she always would make sure that I loved and was loved by whoever it was I was with. She always gave me advice on men and how they operated so I can understand. She also told me how hard this lifestyle would be. She told me of the people and how life was going to treat me hard. Then she prepared me for it. She made sure I went to school and had a job. All my family members were big on that. They were allowed to leave and quit school but my mom and brothers would not allow me to. I thank them for that every day of my life. She knew I was going to be alone for a bit and that to prepare myself for it.

I know as parents you never want your children to have hardship and despair. Being gay isn’t easy. I can say that in this time and age it’s a bit more acceptable but it is still hard. People will still want to say things. People will still feel like their opinion of your lifestyle will want to be heard. There are even people that become so uncomfortable with who you are that they will want to do some bodily harm to you. As parents you want to protect us at all times. This is totally understood.

What is not acceptable is hating us. What is not acceptable is not giving us the chance to know us. What is not acceptable is being just as brutal and mean as the rest of the world. What is not acceptable is being embarrassed about us. what is not acceptable is shunning us from your love. once our parents know the rest of the world cant really hurt us because we know you have our back. This makes a world of a difference on how we are going to tackle the world. Whether it makes us or breaks us. hether we make it or not.

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