This part of my life is not only one of the most difficult but it is also something that I have to always be on top of. Unless you have been a victim to your vices you will never know what it is like to have to check yourself on every level of your life. You have to question your purpose as to why you do, what you do and how you do. So many people say we have a choice but when you are in the grips of your addiction it is easier said than done.
When you are addicted there is nothing anyone can do. You become a pawn, a complete puppet to your impulse. You no longer exist on your own telling you when to eat, take a shit or even bathe. The drugs are the first thing that greets you mentally. It dominates your mind so that until you get it it is all you are going to focus on. It makes you look and live life on a gut animal level. The hunt!!! Where am I going to get it? How am I going to get it? Anyone standing in your way doesn’t matter. If their purpose is not helping you get your fix then you waste no time with them.You answer these questions in desperation and nothing but pure adrenaline. The possibilities on how you get it doesn’t have any boundaries. You prostitute for it, you steal for it and in some worse conditions you kill for it. You do whatever it takes. Slowly you become a night person. You assume that in the dark most of the world is sleeping so there aren’t many that can see your desperation. The people can’t see the crazy things that you do. You assume-if I am not seen then no one knows. You think your manipulation, thieving, selling and outright lying is quiet and under the radar. That no one can see it let alone know that you are addicted. You stay away from those that you have known family included. You circle of friends dwindles till you only associate with acquaintances. These individuals that share a common bond that only has to do with drugs. That is the only thing that holds these type of relationships together. Conversations are kept very superficial. We don’t go into the hurt and the pain of our lives. We don’t speak of the haunting situations that have occurred in our lives that us addicts just can’t shake off. We refuse to shed our skin because to do so would be unbearable. We only sit and complain as to who did what to us so it justifies the reason as to why we are doing drugs. Why we are killing ourselves little by little a drug at a time.
Not one single when in active addiction will ever show hope. Hope is gone from them as well as for you as you continue to smoke it away, snort it away and inject it away. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. You just continue to get high in hopes that it reaches a point of forgetting and numbing till you can’t feel even the physical pain that you are inflicting upon yourself. You do drugs hoping that the demons in your life don’t overtake you. For many of us it’s abuse in whatever form. For some it was sexual or a molestation. Maybe it was the upbringing as you stood and continued to echo in your mind over and over again the vicious words inflicted on you that now have become a part of your make-up. To some of us is was the lack of safety our family didn’t give us or the lack of family we had growing up. These demons jons us with every rock we smoke, every sniff we take, every injection we place. They don’t allow us to see straight or think at all for that matter. We are in the grips with a ball and chain. We can’t find closure let alone solace in our pain. The pain of living, the pain of existing is unbearable without being numb. We just can’t face life on it’s own terms.
In early addiction the drugs at 1st do the trick but then the novelty wears off and you find that more just isn’t enough. You find out that the doses don’t do the trick. You find yourself lost and dazed. You never once ask yourself how did you end up here. Desperation turns to an awareness of self-hatred. You, the active addict then and only then will realize you have been walking around with other people’s shit. What they thought of you, how they treated you, what they did to you, how they betrayed you. Your hope turns into fear. You can’t see past your own face. At that point the pain of life is overwhelming. You don’t want to live. You know that there is something you need to do because you feel life and the will to live it slip away. By this time hope is so distant. Some stay months in this vicious cycle some even years. There are some that it lasts a lifetime and die in addiction. They never understand that it’s not what they put in their body that is killing them. It’s what they are not willing to take out that is. They have to admit to themselves that they need help as well as just give up and realize that if they have any chance of living they are going to have to just surrender and allow help and a new way of thinking in order to exist. It is only then that the addict starts to heal and live life.