EMOTIONAL SADIST

Of the hardest things I had to face in my life it was pain. This to me is crazy. I didn’t realize how much I numbed myself not to feel. Drug use was high on the totem pole. Drinking was an indulgence that was a second nature as breathing. I never thought of anything but the fact that I didn’t want to go through the rest of the day without a hit or a pull or a toke or a drink. This was my life every day for a solid 9 years. It was so bad that I wasn’t even aware that I wasn’t feeling to begin with. I did it so much that I any feeling longer than 10-20 minutes was unacceptable. Anything more than that was too much for me to handle. If I was feeling I was a mess. I couldn’t handle anything that required me to have a sensation. Looking back I tremble at the fact that death was constantly close to me.  Without knowing I was welcoming it was the funny part. If you had asked me at the time of my addiction I would tell you that you don’t understand and that whatever it was you were observing about me was not truth.

I couldn’t accept a compliment. It made me feel uncomfortable and I just didn’t know what the intent behind it was at all. For a very long time I felt that I wasn’t worthy. It got to a point that even if it was a good thing I didn’t allow myself to feel. In my mind I just didn’t see what you were talking about. I didn’t put too much attention because I kept waiting for the carpet to be pulled from under my feet. Somewhere along the way someone was going to hurt me. what did you expect when everyone I had put trust in had taken, beaten, manipulated and hurt me.  I kept thinking that behind that good was even a bigger bad.

After being told for so many years that being gay was a sin and that I am going to hell! Then the realization that on top of being dark skin and outspoken it was a guarantee that I was going to have a hard time in life just made me tired for living. Everything looked bleak. Whatever goals or dreams I had were diminished in the feelings behind what others thought. it was automatically shot down from people who made it their business to show me all the negative in everything I chose to do or say. If the truth really be told it was fear. Fear that after all was said and done I would not be respected for what I felt or stood for. Fear that when I walked away your sense of me would be tainted.

This journey that I am on now was a long time coming. The self-discovery is cleansing above all. It is refreshing and absolutely palpable to me. The awareness that I was able to come into from all this realization was painful, but like all real truths there is a little pain involved. It is so true when they say that there is no sense in crying over spilt milk. What could’ve happened didn’t. What should’ve happened hasn’t. There is no need to waste time on what you felt needed to happen and just grab the moment so you can make it happen. Make it yours and own it so this way it doesn’t rely on anyone else but yourself. I really like that idea. I like that I am in a place that to dare is to live. I love the sense that I can look back and say I did it and didn’t allow obstacles, opinions and fear to stop me. There is a sense of pride in understanding that I had to go through these moments to get to the next step. Once you own your part everything else makes no difference. You continue to move on with confidence. The road you walk on is clearer and doesn’t seem so long and twisted. Nothing hides itself. You walk with certainty. It allows you see that people are not always as they seem. You learn to forgive yourself and the part you played. You let go what needs to let go and there is no anger or revenge. There is just you and your steps toward your goal. Growth then becomes easy and possible.

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