EMOTIONAL SADIST

Of the hardest things I had to face in my life it was pain. This to me is crazy. I didn’t realize how much I numbed myself not to feel. Drug use was high on the totem pole at this time in my life. Drinking was an indulgence that was as second nature as breathing. I never thought of anything but the fact that I didn’t want to go through the rest of the day without a hit or a pull or a toke or a drink. It was a never ending search to take something that allowed me to be outside myself. This was my life every day for a solid 9 years. I remember when I stopped using drugs II had to identify what feelings were what because I had numbed them all and couldn’t name any except high because I was and happy because I was getting drugs. I numbed myself so much that any feeling that lasted longer than 10-20 minutes was unacceptable. Emotions were just too much for me to handle. All I knew during those 9 years was pain. The minute I started to feel it made me a mess. Anything that required me to have a sensation or a feeling or a pulse went back to pain. Looking back I couldn’t believe that death was constantly close to me.  Without knowing I was welcoming the dark embrace. If you had asked me at the time of my addiction I would tell you that you don’t understand and that whatever it was you were observing about me was not truth.  Even though very few can even come close to the pain I was feeling I still isolated and really didn’t want anything to do with emotions.

I couldn’t accept a compliment. It made me feel uncomfortable. I just didn’t know what the intent behind it was at all. Trust was not something that I couldn’t afford to give. For a very long time I felt that I wasn’t worthy. It came across as you wanted something and you were going to get it at my expense. I kept waiting for the carpet to be pulled from under my feet. Somewhere along the way someone was going to hurt me. What was I to expect when everyone I had put trust in had taken, beaten, manipulated and hurt me.  I kept thinking that behind that good was even a bigger bad. At this point all the sexual abuse I had endured was affecting me for it had eaten all hope I had in people.

For so many years I was told that being gay was a sin and that I am going to hell! Then the realization that on top of being dark skin and outspoken it was a guarantee that I was going to have a hard time in life just made me tired for living. Everything looked bleak. Whatever goals or dreams I had were diminished in the feelings behind what others thought. It was automatically shot down from people who made it their business to show me the negative in everything I chose to do or say.

It planted in me fear. Fear that after all was said and done I would not be respected for what I felt or stood for. Fear that when I walked away your sense of me would be tainted. Fear that no matter how or why it was just unacceptable for people. Fear that I would fade into the background and it would be all for nothing. Most of all my fear of not having love.

This journey that I am on now was a long time coming. The self-discovery is cleansing above all. It is refreshing and absolutely palpable to me. The awareness that I was able to come into from this journey was painful, but like all real truths there is a little pain involved. It is so true when they say that there is no sense in crying over spilt milk. What could’ve happened didn’t. What should’ve happened hasn’t. What is to come hasn’t arrived. There is no need to waste time on what you felt needed to happen and just grab the moment so you can make it happen. Make it yours and own it so this way it doesn’t rely on anyone else but yourself. I really like that idea. I like that I am in a place that I dare to live. I love the sense that I can look back and say I did it and didn’t allow obstacles, opinions and fear to stop me. There is a sense of pride in understanding that I had to go through these moments to get to the next step. Once you own your part everything else makes no difference. Once you forgive yourself in it all you no longer will accept things and behaviors from others no matter who they are. Through it all you continue to move on with confidence. The road you walk on is clearer and doesn’t seem so long and twisted. Nothing hides itself. You walk with certainty. You let go what needs to leave and there is no anger or revenge. There is just you and your steps toward your goal. Growth then becomes easy and possible. You learn to be without expectations. This my people is the hardest part to put in practice when you lean these lessons.

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4 comments

  1. gomohundro · March 31, 2015

    Dammnnnnn, i feel this! Congrats on beginning to conquer your interpersonal battles and i hope the rest of your life is as fulfilling and as invigorating as this

    Like

    • chulisi · March 31, 2015

      Thank you very much. We continue to strive. We are made that way!

      Like

  2. lynettedavis · April 1, 2015

    This was painful to read, but it was inspirational too. Thank you for sharing this.

    Like

    • chulisi · April 1, 2015

      Your welcome. Such a liberating feeling to see it in black and white

      Like

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