If I had a quarter for every time I wanted something at the moment that would be great but in the long run would turn to shit, I’d be rich. I lived wild and with no abandon in my younger years as most teenagers do. I wanted it all. The world was mine to play with and no one could tell me less. I knew it all as so I thought. Now that is a great attitude to have at the time in your youth to an extent but I still had a lot to learn.
Like let’s take love. Lord Jesus you couldn’t tell me what was right for me because I knew what I like. Let’s keep in mind that I was in my 20’s and had a lot of things to settle with self. Not that this was a topic I myself indulged in on my free time. I just knew that I had it all down packed when it came to love.
The men I liked were rough and rugged. They were supposed to be my protector. Papi was the label and they had to look like they made you clutch your purse closer in fear but made you grab your pearls in awe. Little did I know that as time went on through heartaches and hard lessons I came to the conclusion that the men or better said the ones we choose to love are usually the faces of what we in our family didn’t have. So with that being said I had to stop finding the father I never met in a lot of these men. I had to stop going to bed with men that reminded me of those men that abused me sexually. I had to stop and re-educate myself from finding the longing in the father that left me and never saw me grow up.
I get a little older like the 20’s (which is the teenage version of adulthood so you still don’t know anything) and my tastes change. By this time I was a bit more certain in what type of man I was going to become. I was at least entering the direction in getting there. With that being said in enters the wild and artsy type. Now this I loved. We accepted each other because it was an inner thing. We felt, we created, we loved and we broke up just as fast. Those artsy types were wonderful in bed but substance wise I’d be better off trying to find water in an empty cup. Within the art we both were still asking ourselves the philosophical question- Who am I?
So I took a hiatus and left the dating life and just decided love was too broad of a feeling for me to agree and commit to. I was going to just have fun and do me until something came along that was able to hold my attention for more than a month. At this point in my life I was heavy into the arts. Dancing was my thing and my body was as fit as it can be. Shit you can bounce a quarter of my ass and it would hit ya back! I was fully self-supporting and had no one to answer to but myself.
No one really spoke to me about the rules and regulations when it came to dating. Mom accepted me but of course we never had the whole this is dating conversation. Advice yeah but conversation no. I was absolutely oblivious. There were many times I would be with my friends and we would be having a great time. Guys would approach me and talk to me and I would talk back and not see that he was interested in me. It would be at the end of the night that my friends would tell me that the guy was hitting on me. I didn’t see it at all. Then there would be times that the guys I did give a chance to were only interested in one thing and of course dizzy me I couldn’t see the forest from the trees.
In the past I had a boyfriends but I realized it was ass and elbows. Now I was in search of a real boyfriend. I wanted the type of boyfriend that I can hug with, the one that would bring me flowers and chocolates, the listener type. Please let’s keep in mind I am hysterical writing this guys. I knew that all this had to be done in the hidden confines of a room because homosexuality was still something that could’ve gotten you beat up but no less I wanted it. I wanted the cute little American dream. I wanted to push for the house with the white picket fence, the dog named George and the cat named Felina. I believed that I can have someone I can call my own. As I started yearning for this is when I realized that I was going to be in a real tough position. It’s bad enough the straight people were looking for the same thing let alone this loud dark skin homosexual. The world wasn’t fair at all. It was then and there that in my late 20’s that I grew bitter about it all. Society was going to be a forever battle and I wasn’t prepared with nothing but a nasty attitude which grew more bitter as time went on. There weren’t many gay men like me around the neighborhood so there wasn’t someone I could talk to. My friends loved me unconditionally but they weren’t gay at all. So this part of my journey was going to be a huge trial and error. Basically I was on my own. I must tell you things didn’t go to smooth but for who does it all go well. Life will always be a do this and no for me thing.
By the way I’m good now but I continue to challenge myself. Life is a pretty boring place for me if I don’t.