I can’t really tell you when it started. Sometimes I just think it came out of nowhere and sometimes it seems like a big blur. A big ass party! When I come to the ending it’s always the same. I’m alone looking around and wondering how the hell I got here. Then you tell me to go to the beginning and for me this has 2 beginnings.
If you want me to go to the list of drugs then it’s simple. There was beer, then the joints, then coke and the rest was crack, base, acid and mushrooms. If you ask me what was my favorite I couldn’t really tell you because at the end of it all they gave me the same high. They gave me the same feeling that I needed in order to mask truth so that I can be able function. If what you called it when I was out there- functioning. That was the beginning of the drugs.
It’s the 2nd beginning that confuses me. It’s that fine line when your feelings get meshed with what you doing and somehow or another the personal gets intertwined with the fun and that’s where the problem commences. Like one minute you are enjoying the sun and then a huge dark cloud passes by and in seconds you find yourself in a storm.
I remember smoking because it gave me the giggles. After a few blunts I went home and I ate and I went to sleep and that was it. I tripped on acid because again it gave me the giggles. Me and my homegirls could tell you some great trips we had just laughing. We never got into anything crazy. We usually got high at one of our cribs and that was it. The fellas would come by and we would just get high and hang out. Then it got to a point where the uglies came in.
Now the uglies is the hard stuff. The coke. That put me on a whole different level. It made me the opposite. I didn’t really dance or laugh. We just talked a lot and had the shits. I mean literally the shits.
I don’t remember when it became personal. I don’t remember saying I’m going to smoke crack because I don’t want to feel the pain of the rape or the molestations. Or that I want to get so high so I can block out the world that hated me just for my sexual preference.
Can I say the lonley’s had something to do with it, yes I can. They are not lying when they say that being lonely can make you go 2nd best. I’m a true testimony of that. It wasn’t bad enough that I was Spanish. But I was Spanish, dark skin and gay. Now that combination was definitely going to guarantee me a few bumps in the road that were unavoidable cause as much as the world has come a long way with being open minded the visual in their mind of me is not all that comforting to many. It didn’t help that I walked around with a chip on my shoulder either.
You see I was one of those gay kids that thought that being gay was everything of my identity. I didn’t know that being gay was a small part of me. That at the end of the day I am a man in every sense of the word.
I had to learn that people didn’t have to accept me or tolerate me. What helped me was that I myself don’t accept everyone. They can be normal looking, great acting, all happy, to me that don’t mean a thing. I don’t trust people so if I’m like this with people why should I think that people should accept me. It’s only common sense and honey I have learned that common sense isn’t so common.
By the time I finished doing all the drugs, after my ass was so exhausted from smoking, after I had a talk with the man upstairs I was completely ready to let go. Now I had thought that I was letting go of all the drug use, the running around senseless in the wee hours of the night like a zombie. You see that’s what I thought I was letting go. Little did I know that if you ever want to make God laugh just make a plan. And BOOM I’m sitting here in front of your talking about deeper shit in my life.
Here talking to you about myself hatred after all the times I was molested as a kid. How it desensitized me from feelings. How lust and love is a real fine line that I can’t tell apart. How everything that is not good for me I’m going to love cause all that ever touched me as a kid was those things that are bad.
I found it hard to swallow this bitter pill you have given me. I say the bitter pill you gave me because though you get paid a lot of money to hear me talk it kind of makes me realize a lot of things that I couldn’t get if I was just talking to myself in the mirror.
Now this thing your telling me that I have to change, like re-program myself all over is not an easy task. That this false sense of pride I was walking around with was a defense mechanism against the world so they won’t get close to me. That’s kinda heavy to grasp you know. I do understand that not everything that worked before works now. I get the point that during this transition I’m supposed to be gentle but Lord Jesus! I thank God I don’t have a time limit this time around. Or that this is an exam that you have to pass in order to get a masters in life.
All I know is that this is a life long struggle. Well not a struggle but a slight bump that I must be aware of. I don’t mind though. It really keeps me humble and allows me to remain teachable.