It’s the UnleArning that sucks. So true when they say once you know you can’t bullshit it. No matter what age, no matter where you are in your life once realization hits you there has to be an action. Whether it’s to be depressed or act like you don’t know or get up and do something about it, there is an action. This action happens by itself. For me I do something. I’m loving my age. These late 40’s don’t leave me for much bullshit especially to myself. A lot of it has to do that the consequences are livable. I know that I can live with the changes that are going to happen in my life. With that being said the realizations of where it stems from makes it a serious journey.
This unlearning has so much attached to it. On one hand what was taught to me was done for my good. It was my parents truth but it would not be mine. They made it my truth with no idea who I was to become and at the time what i had already been through. They inflicted what they thought best based on what was given to them. It was based on their fear from their experiences.These learned lessons ended up becoming defense mechanism that would take me to places in my life that did not need to be.
It was that learned programming that stifled my spirit. Looking and understanding me and them it was that learning that helped me walk right into addiction in all its forms. It wasn’t till I unlearned it, not accept those things as mine that I was able to move on and live, have a chance to grow and define myself. It was what gave hope the right to flourish.
A- men don’t cry nor are they emotional.
B- you never share what hurts or pains you. Ppl don’t really give a shit
C- love is suppose to hurt! So accept all the bullshit it’s part of the story
D- gay ppl will never find love it’s not natural
E- your are an embarrassment
F- your a piece of shit
G- you are an abomination
With this list no wonder life was bleak and drugs served as the numbing agent that it needed to be. No wonder so many contemplate suicide or actually do it. These are not my truths. I can remember knowing it wasn’t but hear it enough and it becomes palpable till it’s believable. It starts to eat away and become that voice that accompanies you every where you go. It would be late 20,s before I told those voices to fuck off. When I started unlearning there was no way moving forward until within all that unlearning I put forgiveness ahead. I had to let go yes but I had to understand that they knew what they knew because those that taught them knew less.