WHAT I HAVE LEARNED
Many do not know that I take care of my mother for some time. Real closely at that. I have learned so much from watching her. I have grown to have a level of understanding and forgiveness that to be honest I wouldn’t have been able to see had I not been so close to her. Though her body is fragile being in her late 70’s her wits are about her. She is still sharp on many levels.
What brought all this to me in full circle was the talks. It was only when I realized her life story from child till now that I was able to forgive her. I was able to understand why things turned the way they did. It made sense why she was cold at times. It made me understand why she wasn’t always so super lovable the way I wanted her to be or that she wasn’t able to see her children exceed certain things. The thought of having things going perfect were always far fetched for her. I understand now. To some they say motherless or neglected and even though for a very long time I was resentful and during my addiction it helped me in the wallowing of self-pity I am now able to see it fully. Mommy was a child of abuse and hurt people hurt people. She was a huge provider and worked relentlessly for her family but that is all she ever was taught in life to work hard no matter what. She never had the cheers and pats on the back, she never had anyone push her to the next level. She was looked at as less than because of her kinky hair and that she was very tiny. She was told she was worthless all her life and that her only worth was as a bed mate, something to be passed around or cleaning houses.
I take pride that even though she wasn’t the mother I wanted her to be and it affected me till addiction and other wordly things I don’t hate her nor do I take away that from nothing this woman made something. She made something huge. She worked till she had a mini factory. She worked till she paid rent of $1000 in the 90’s. she worked so that every holiday there was abundance on the table.
I can never act selfishly I know that what I have accomplished was breaking a cycle and that she in her old age fully now understands is what I am doing.
So mommy I dedicate all this to you. To the son that the world thought would never live to long and is still here. Gracia for if there is anything I can take from you it’s my persistence to always move palante no matter what. That I can do whatever I want to do and not what people say I can’t do.