It has been a minute since I sat behind the computer. Well actually since I felt comfortable enough to write about the latest event that has moved me. Nothing has affected me so much next to 911 than what has happened in Orlando, Fla.

Let me start by saying that it took me 3 full days to get out of the numb phase. I literally walked around with no smile or laugh at all. Anyone who knows me personally knows this is not me at all. I am always smiling and happy in life no matter what is going on. I didn’t notice right off the bat how deep this affected me till my partner of 12 years brought it to my attention. He made me realize that I was moody, quick to snap and just outright unpredictable. This forced me to sit with myself and find out what the hell is really going on. Why has this act of violence and innocent killing affected me so much. It crept on me silently. A very unwanted guest.  I knew no one at all in the massacre. Then it hit me. I knew why this affected me. It was a few things.

First and foremost just the time it happened and where it happened. It was 2am in a club. If anyone has ever been to a gay club we really go out to have fun and drink and be merry. We go to socialize and be together under one roof with no act of violence on our mind. Our gay clubs make it easy for us to socialize and meet and laugh with our friends. It is a place we go to where we can actually be ourselves with no fear of being ostracized, beaten or embarrassed. Not even harassed. These clubs give us freedom if but for a few hours. At 2am the last thing anyone of us are thinking of is guns let alone a fist fight. Like we don’t party that way. It is such a friendly atmosphere that the majority of gay clubs don’t search you at the door. We just don’t get down like that. That man caught everyone off guard. He literally had deers in headlights. Just the thought of those people surprised and not knowing what the hell was going on breaks my heart. They knew death was visiting them in that club right then and there.

The 2nd part that was very hard for me was the person. The minute I heard of this I knew without any proof that this was not a terrorist act but a jaded closeted homosexual. I knew that this was committed from a guy that due to all the bullshit the world inflict on him, the prejudice, misconceived way that the world looks at us created a man with so much self-hatred that he couldn’t find anything within him that would allow any kind of intelligent thought. It killed all sense of humanity in him. The world created and gave birth to all this. It shamed him, condemned him, punished him without even touching him. Mentally inflicted him with all these ugly things that he hated himself so much that he in his mind made the decision to say to the world I am not worthy because I am a gay man and I am going to take as many because the world is better. 

This mans behavior brought back every guy I ever fought with because they wanted to yell and hurt me verbally and physically. This man reminded me why almost every day I had to fight off men, young as well as old, married as well as single, of every race and color, that wanted to have silent sex or raped me or molested me. This guy reminded me of the reason why so many gay youth kill themselves. This guy reminded me of a time that it was literally dangerous to walk around proud and gay. There were guys that walked the street just to kick and hurt you if you dared to walk around free as a bird. This guy brought us back to the fighting we’ve had to do, the family members that never embraced us, the parents that disowned us, the religion that exiled us, the hate that poisoned us, the doctors that claimed us a mental illness. This man was all those things and for 3 full days I couldn’t function.


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