In this road called life I would never think of all the things the human spirit can endure and grow out of. The year (2016) has been a year for me of going back. Not backwards but going back to basics. Sometimes one needs to remember what started it all in order to carry with you for the rest of your journey. The breaking down of self until it felt like I wasn’t going to survive was very necessary. This core of me is serious. Being a recovering addict it doesn’t become easy. Things tend to dig deeper because I claim to live without fear. It was fear all along that always had me in the grips. When I realized it is when it became so serious for me. It traced back to being a kid. The many beatings I received were due to her anger and fear. The molestations I survived were due to their own fear and self-hatred. The teasing I endured was because they were scared of embracing me. This fear coated me till a point it walked with me like a twin.
It stopped me from believing in myself, it stopped me from moving forward in so many things that I found pleasure in. This fear became such a part of me that I carried with it the same things they felt.
In my addiction I was scared of myself, success, my lifestyle, meeting people because I swore up and down that this is a fact and not something that I can perceive differently.
The whole process of finding this fear and identifying it brought anger. Within me I was fuming because fear disguised itself as every other feeling like doubt, procrastination, will and dreaming. It was when I took the risk and ran with the nurturing others gave me that I was able to see it in my head and understand that it was fear that had me in its grips. That fear was the core fear of all my failures in life.
When I confronted fear is when I was able to breathe and look at myself and say I love you, that I looked at my aspirations and went for it no matter the odds, was able to look at everyone for who they were and understand that I have a space. It was looking at fear that I was able to look at friendships and understand that its ok not to be liked by everyone. That trials and tribulations are part of it all with everything in life. It was only when I embraced the fear that I knew I wouldn’t break and couldn’t break unless I allowed it.
So for this year 2017 I embrace it. I don’t allow my fear of acceptance, hurt and wanting allow me not to move forward or miss what is meant for me.