You left when I was 16. I have never been the same. Has it gotten easier absolutely but not a day goes by that I don’t think or talk to you. More so this year (2016-2017) than ever. I know that you suffered when I became a junkie. It wasn’t till I got clean at 26 yrs of age that I understood that you were with me when I was out in those streets. Walking side by side with me every moment. The many times you saved me literally from death. I know now it was you that would send those complete strangers to distract me, sometimes it literally was you disguised as someone else throwing me a gem , a prayer or even chilling with me the whole night especially when I was in a neighborhood I was not familiar with.
When I got clean the shock I had when this older woman told me about you. She proceeded to tell me of all the things I went through out in them streets. Her details of me, the places and the insane conversations I had with you was confirmation that you never left my side. Shit your love for me was so maternal and close that it wasn’t till I was initiated into Ocha that you literally fell back to allow my spirit guides to enter and do their job.
You are the one thing in this world that showed me unconditional love. I don’t recall many bad times. Your decline in health was hard on you. You knew you were dying. That alone made me know that you were a whole lot stronger than even you yourself knew. You held on till the very end. It was only when your spirit said so is when you left. You never held back truths with me. Even when you could barely walk you still told me things I needed to hear. I can recall hearing you whisper to me about how I need to always keep my head up. That never allow anyone make me feel less just because they didn’t understand who I was.
I must say that for the most part I carry you with me and there is no sadness attached to it but when those rare days come and they do, when I’m caught up in it it still stings mercilessly. It chips away at my anger and keeps me hypersensitive and bitchy. It makes me realize I am human and that it’s OK for me to feel this way. 33 years later and I am still unfolding the legacy you left behind that has all to do with the inner me. Thank you sister. To me you will always be the Winder Woman to my Winder Girl.