I decided to take care of my mother and father a year ago. In my one bedroom apartment I make it happen. Regardless of how unmothered I was I have accepted that mommy only gave me the best to what she knew. Now when it came to the man I call my father it is a whole different story.
I was on my way to go out. I asked him a question and as always he never answers. I told him to answer and when he did he referred to me as his stepson. When he said those words it was a huge punch in my stomach. Not only did it catch me completely by surprise but it immediately enraged me. I couldn’t even hear the last 3 sentences from his mouth after that comment. All I heard was my heartbeat like a drum in my ears. I told him I had to leave. Not to bother. With no apology from him at all I left. It was my walk to the subway that it all hit me! His behavior towards me since I was a kid. His distaste for me and the demeaning things he says to me are all his shit. It all came back to not owning your shit. It brought back the many years where I desired his approval for good grades and received none. It took me to the moments that I was ignored and left last, as if I was a burden. He brought back the moments in my childhood that he would make it his business to tell me I wasn’t good enough, that gay ppl were not meant to fall in love because it is an abomination, that I’d never amount to anything, that I’m not talented and no one would ever want to see me, hear me let alone pay for anything I do on stage. All these things ran through my mind in the span of one block.
It hurt deeply. It let me know that the child within still gets affected by him. I don’t believe a word of it but no less it still hurts porque yo no soy un mostró!!!!