It is no mystery to me that my step-dad and I are not the best of friends. Growing up I was never his favorite. He begs to tell a different story but actions speak way louder than words. He has been in my life since I was in 2 nd grade and though he stuck with my mother till present time it goes without saying that it came with a hefty price at my upbringing.
I wasn’t an easy child. I don’t think any are but add the fact that I was outspoken and gay since very young couldn’t have been easy at all. With that being said I knew in my pre-teens I wasn’t his favorite at all. I always felt like his burden because there was really nothing we as father and son shared. Once that was established he made it his business to let me know how he was against everything when it came to me. The older I became the more evident our dislike grew. Of course I had no problem letting him know vocally. When I was in high school he made it his business to tell me I wouldn’t graduate- I did! When I pursued cosmetology he said I’d never do it-I did and was actually good at it. When I became a junkie it was easy for him to fortify his belief of me all along. That I was a bad seed. That it was me being gay that solidified this turn of events.
It was when I got clean that he realized that I was not the same man that left the house to recover. He never really attempted nor wanted to know the man I had become. It took years for me to not want his approval. A simple hug to tell me all is IK. A pat on the shoulders to let me feel his reassurance. Let’s fast forward 20 yrs and now I, his least, his last on earth is now taking care of him. It is still rocky and he tells me how he doesn’t like to talk to me. Not so long ago from writing this post he told me how I was a bad person. This time around I was actually able to look at him with no pain and really see for who he is and who he has always been- miserable, scared and unloving. This is a man who never lived dreams. Never knew what it was like to be loved. He wasn’t popular and came from a family that was the same. I get it now. I fully understand. Today I am fine with who he is and accept him. Doesn’t mean I don’t ever so often set him straight but his words no longer linger on me, they no longer break me nor do they hold value. I am not the little kid that yearned and put all his eggs in a basket just to have his approval. This Negrito is quite fine. I will live and not only live but continue.