There are days that the world wants to remind me where I came from. It takes me to a place that full memories of what I went through literally shake my core! It comes in waves and in full color. I can see the faces and actually the smells as well. It pisses me off! It makes it clear why I went through what I went through. It helps me make sense of why I gave my body over and over and over again thinking they would stay. Thinking that they would tell me I’m their one and only. Never realizing that I was really chasing the father that was never present. That I never had a male figure show me how to love myself. No hugs of reassurance. No “you can do it”! I feared it all and found worth outside never within.
Looking back at my youth it makes sense why I was so loud and abrasive in my teens and early 20’s. This defense mechanism that was screaming “help & hear me!” I was in fear of not being accepted. That at any moment I would be hurt physically, taken against my will because they were able to see my weakness.
I understood why I numbed myself because to feel it all would’ve found me with a switchblade to the wrists. It was way to overwhelming for me to admit that I was made a fool of, made fun of, betrayed and looked at as weird, less than and not to be heard.
I was raped and molested so many times that I thought this was how love was supposed to be. No affection, no nurturing not even kisses just primal and predatory. They not once even used sweetness in their words. I was a filthy fagot and this is what happens, this is all I was good for. It was so bad that I stopped fighting and just assumed position for there was no fight in me at all. They all hopped on, did the deed and then threatened me within an inch of my life. Each and every fucking time!!!
It’s days like this when I’m tired and I’m up against the wall that it reminds me that I survived this and I have a fucking purpose. That these stories can give hope. Not every princess marries her prince but she sure as hell can have fun looking for him without giving up her freedom to love and search. This journey every day won’t allow me to be ordinary. It holds me accountable every time I perform it, write it, speak it and share it. It helps me know that I am going to be safe and that my story and experience allows me to look into people’s eyes without fear anymore. It reminds me all the time that even though shade exists there is just as much good. Thank you to each person that live, loves and laugh through these ugly storms of memories.